who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
