Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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