Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
