I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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