I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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