Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Sext me about skeletons
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
