I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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