can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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