I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
