You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
