oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
