Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
