What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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