GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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