shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
