The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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