Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my phone needs a breathalizer
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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