I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
