Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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