On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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