So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
