Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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