i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
