I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
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She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
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You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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