started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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