I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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