i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
