Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
