right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
