someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
