I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
