I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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