I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
