That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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