He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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