I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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