im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
