I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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