I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
