I just cut my nipple shaving
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
