Porn is love you can see.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
