I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
