I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
