I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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