my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
