I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
