New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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