Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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