I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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