The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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