Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
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There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
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We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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