By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
