Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
