Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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