but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
