It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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