She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
