I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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