i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
