Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
40s are totally the cure
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
