Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize